


it's us (that made this mess)

by Memelock



Series: the world's latest sylvain and felix week project [5]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Texting, anyway this is a text fic, claude is like... mentioned like literally once, hubert is mentioned as "fodlan's only adult goth", i just realized mercedes isn't in this at all... oh my gosh :(, linhardt and caspar are mentioned as... well, sorry miss mercie, the rating is just for language i tend to rate like the mpaa and there is more than one f-word
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:33:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24330634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Memelock/pseuds/Memelock
Summary: this is much ado about nothing, but with two separate group chats that include the word “scheming”.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Dedue Molinaro, Dorothea Arnault/Ingrid Brandl Galatea, Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Series: the world's latest sylvain and felix week project [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1747060
Comments: 16
Kudos: 142





	it's us (that made this mess)

**Author's Note:**

> i got the idea for this from learning that you can actually format stuff like this on here! this is (another thing) for day four — i picked the “roommates” theme, again. title is from “animal” by neon trees. modern AU, sylvain and felix have never met but both of them know dimitri and ingrid.
> 
> a couple things:  
> 1\. i definitely recommend reading this with the author skin. humongous shoutout to codenamecarrot and la_temperanza on here whose "how to make iOS text messages on AO3" was excellent and all failures with implementation are mine, not theirs.  
> 2\. there are a shitton of emojis in here, and they're all apple. sorry. :(  
> 3\. felix absolutely would not have an iphone, of course, but for pure narrative cohesion he does.

**SYLVAIN'S PHONE**

ingrid thee stallion  
  
hey ingrid do you have the $10 bucks you owe me for the pizza last week  
  
just kidding oh goddess can you imagine if i actually expected you to pay me back for shit  
  
if you say “bucks” do you need the dollar sign  
  
what  
  
what did you actually want  
  
do you know if dimitri is seeing anybody  
  
...  
  
don't you two live together  
  
yeah  
  
so can't you just ask him  
  
not yet  
  
??  
  
the guy's still here  
  
SYLVAIN  
  
what guy on the goddess  
  
DEDUE?!?!?  
  
no ugh that's why i was wondering  
  
wtf okay  
  
what are they doing  
  
idk they're in the living room  
  
i'm in my room because i got scared  
  
it is not like you at all to have that kind of social grace  
  
um it may have been a little more basely motivated  
  
the guy is hot 🥺  
  
...  
  
🤷🏻  
  
...  
  
sorry that's why i was asking  
  
what kind of hot?  
  
huh?  
  
like what type is he? pretend i give a single shit about how hot a guy is for a second  
  
uh… small dark and handsome  
  
but also this weird vibe that he might kill me idk how to explain it  
  
oh goddess  
  
it's felix  
  
yeah that's what dimitri said! do you know him?  
  
🗡   
  
😟  
  


**INGRID'S PHONE**

Dorothea  
  
you are not gonna believe this  
  
Ugh, spill babe. I need something exciting today.  
  
Ferdie has been making me crazy this week thinking co-director means equal authority.  
  
ugh he's stupid  
  
I know! Not like you, my smart and beautiful angel. 🥰❤️  
  
Now tell me what I'm not going to believe!  
  
Aside from how lucky I am to be with someone like you.  
  
😳😊🥰  
  
anyways you know my friend dimitri  
  
the blond guy  
  
How could I forget the bolognese incident? I remember him.  
  
oh man i forgot that one  
  
they all blend together  
  
Like the sauce definitely did NOT blend with his shirt when he 🤮. Poor baby.  
  
in many ways yes he is  
  
anyways (again)  
  
sylvain says he brought a guy home  
  
WHAT?!?!  
  
yeah  
  
he says it's felix  
  
...not Dedue?  
  
🙄  
  
Who's Felix again?  
  
the rude one who never wears anything but athleisure  
  
Hmm. Not ringing a bell. Has he ever barfed up bolognese and tequila?  
  
he would NEVER  
  
i feel like if felix ever threw up it would just be like… a fully formed rock  
  
anyway i feel like i want to step in, dimitri doesn’t need another emotionally damaging hookup you know?  
  
I really don’t know, but what I do know is that these guys never listen to you, Ingrid. So maybe don’t waste your breath and let them make their dumb mistakes.  
  
but then they come crying to me about it afterwards and i hate that  
  
better to scold now maybe  
  
I know someone who would be much more attentive to a scolding from you… 😉😘  
  
😳🥵  
  
see you later  
  
you're right i shouldn't get involved  
  


wh*re  
  
i told dorothea i'm not getting involved  
  
so this definitely isn’t me telling you to just ask dimitri about it if you’re curious  
  
and it really for sure is certainly not me being worried that dimitri cannot handle someone like felix  
  
🤐🤫  
  
love ya ingy  
  


**SYLVAIN'S PHONE**

brown hair tinder  
  
you are a good girlfriend to ingrid you know that?  
  
Why does that woman never listen to me?  
  
…at least if she insists on putting herself out there for you fools keep me in the loop.  
  
deal  
  
do you know this guy btw?  
  
dorothea?  
  
Unless he's covered himself in regurgitated pasta sauce I don't remember any of you.  
  
i never did that  
  
man that was disgusting thanks for reminding me 🤢  
  
You're a special case, Sylvain. Self-recognition in the other, if you will.  
  
Hold on, I'll ask Ingrid to show me a picture.  
  
if you've all hung out with this dude how the hell do i not know him it's weirding me out  
  
...hmm.  
  
I can see why you're interested.  
  
And I don't know - Ingrid says he's not really social.  
  
wow an endorsement from ms. dorothea 😜 dimitri is a lucky guy  
  
or he would be  
  
if he would just ask dedue out  
  
And on that I am fully on your side. Sure I’ve never met him but Dimitri is all about him.  
  


ingrid thee stallion  
  
so???  
  
?  
  
hello did you ask dimitri yet?  
  
oh right yeah no i didn't  
  
it's been like three days i'm losing it here  
  
you could ask him  
  
i told dorothea i wouldn't get involved  
  
plus again you live together  
  
just ask  
  
👯  
  
^that's dimitri and me now  
  
👺💀  
  
^that's dimitri and me if i bother him about his personal life  
  
where is dedue when you need him  
  
i don't wanna bother him with this tbh 😕  
  
he actually likes dimitri right so like i don’t wanna rub this in his face if this felix guy is for real  
  
it's so weird that you two don't know each other have i mentioned that  
  
but yeah i get what you're saying  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...unless  
  
unless?  
  
unless this is perfect because "this felix guy" is just dimitri's friend  
  
oh boy call me claude because i am scheming  
  
are you single 😍  
  
shut up i'm gonna run this by annette and then i'll get back to you  
  
if you scheme without me i will end our friendship  
  
not kidding  
  
scorched earth  
  
ugh fine i'll make a group chat  
  


**ANNETTE'S PHONE**

schemin 👹👼😈  
  
Ingrid 😊  
annette! i truly hate to do this to you but i have a favor to ask  
  
i'm already vibrating guys omg what are we doing???!?!  
  
Sylvain 😊  
gonna get dimitri and dedue together  
  
😍🥰🥰😍🥰💘💞💕💕💞💖  
  
I AM IN  
  
Sylvain 😊  
you’re so dependable 😙  
  
Ingrid 😊  
stop it  
  
😊😊  
  
Ingrid 😊  
i'm muting the group if you don't stop  
  
Sylvain 😊  
ingy you made the group  
  
INGY 🥰😍 so cute omg  
  
Ingrid 😊  
is it not enough for one person to sling that indignity at me  
  
annette is felix seeing anyone right now  
  
😳🤯 whatttt is he seeing someone?  
  
did you see him with someone???  
  
ASHE??!?  
  
Sylvain 😊  
who's ashe  
  
how do you all know each other being this much older is brutal  
  
Ingrid 😊  
nah not ashe  
  
doesn't he have his hands full with that couple already?  
  
Sylvain 😊  
WHO IS ASHE  
  
ohhhh you're right i'm silly  
  
i'll just ask him hold on!  
  
Ingrid 😊  
see sylvain?  
  
you can just ask  
  
Sylvain 😊  
i am asking right now who the fuck ashe is and we all see how well that’s going  
  


Felix 😊  
  
heyyy felix!  
  
wdyw  
  
aside from a translation guide for your acronyms? 😇  
  
...  
  
ugh okay don't be mad but i want to ask you something!  
  
it's nothing big i was just curious  
  
just wondering  
  
you know  
  
are you like  
  
seeing anyone?  
  
🙈  
  


schemin 👹👼😈  
  
guys i think he blocked me 🥺  
  
Ingrid 😊  
he'd never do that to you  
  
Sylvain 😊  
someone block you? neverrrrr  
  
maybe i'm barking up the wrong tree  
  
Ingrid 😊  
...  
  
🤦  
  
wait  
  
i thought this was about dimitri  
  
Sylvain 😊  
oops  
  
omg SYLVAIN  
  
do you like felix????  
  
Sylvain 😊  
i literally barely know him! calm down  
  
he's been to our apartment like twice  
  
Ingrid 😊  
which is in fairness more times than you’ve ever seen another person you wanna bone  
  
oooo get him girl  
  
Sylvain 😊  
woof  
  
he is hot though  
  
call me a pokemon because i am looking for the trade  
  
Ingrid 😊  
i'm blocking you  
  


Felix 😊  
  
no  
  
🙀  
  


**SYLVAIN'S PHONE**

schemin 👹👼😈  
  
carly rae jr  
HE SAID NO  
  
sorry for no context lol felix said he's not seeing anyone  
  
DEDUE TIME  
  
carly rae jr  
and felix time 😉  
  
dedue first then i'll smash  
  
or whatever  
  


ingrid thee stallion  
  
hey sylvain  
  
hey ms galatea  
  
this is kind of weird for me to say maybe  
  
but if you do smash felix  
  
can you be like... cool about it?  
  
you're both my friends, and dimitri's friends  
  
and i care about you guys  
  
and i'll end you if you ruin anything  
  
cross my heart and hope to die  
  
love you ingrid  
  
😊  
  


schemin 👹👼😈  
  
carly rae jr  
gross!!!!!  
  
but i wanna see dimitri and dedue happy so what are we doing  
  
hello?!? don't leave me all alone!  
  
ingrid thee stallion  
sorry sorry here's my plan  
  
it's going to be amazing i know it  
  
carly rae jr  
yes ingrid!!!  
  
ingrid thee stallion  
sylvain is going to get felix's number from dimitri  
  
okay i already see a problem  
  
carly rae jr  
do we really think he'll give it to him?  
  
wow annette like i agree but you don't have to say it 😢  
  
carly rae jr  
sorryyyy  
  
ingrid thee stallion  
she's right so you'll have to ask exactly the right way  
  
but dimitri has to know you’re talking to him otherwise it’ll end up weird i just Feel It  
  
okay so then what  
  
ingrid thee stallion  
so here's the thing  
  
dimitri is so oblivious  
  
and dedue is like SO respectful about it  
  
and like mad in love  
  
carly rae jr  
yeah that too  
  
ingrid thee stallion  
okay but my point stands  
  
anyway they will each need a silent hand to guide them to each other, pulling the strings  
  
a friend they trust  
  
almost like dimitri trusts felix and dedue for whatever reason trusts you sylvain  
  
💔  
  
you girls are making me suffer today  
  
carly rae jr  
a new girl makes you suffer every day! 😇  
  
💔💔💔💔💔  
  
ingrid thee stallion  
focus!  
  
anyway i don’t care how it happens but you and felix are going to get those fools together some way somehow  
  
and then like beatrice and benedick you’ll fall in love on the sidelines  
  
whoa  
  
let's take it easy  
  
carly rae jr  
well, they at least smashed 🤷🏻  
  
better  
  
picture our hands in a stack and i yell BREAK  
  
ingrid thee stallion  
🤚  
  
carly rae jr  
🖐  
  
✊  
  
thanks ladies let's get this bread  
  


dime piece 👑  
  
hey dimitriiii  
  
Sylvain, you’re not answering me but I’m literally sitting right across from you.  
  
Can't you just talk to me?  
  
actually no  
  
it's phone related  
  
Consider me intrigued.  
  
Oh, by the way, did you remember to get a bag of rice at the store yesterday by any chance?  
  
Ashe’s cat swatted my phone into the sink while I was doing dishes at his place and it’s not looking good.  
  
ALL RIGHT WHO THE FUCK IS ASHE  
  
sorry wow ignore that  
  
don't give me that look  
  
it's been a long week  
  
I thought you knew him! I’ll have to invite him over. Maybe without Caspar and Linhardt. They’re a lot to take in at once.  
  
sounds great  
  
actually good lead in to my question  
  
that guy felix that you've been having over is pretty cool  
  
Ah, yes! I noticed you two were getting along last time he was here. Who’d have thought I would befriend the only two people on earth who have seen the Lord of the Rings movies more than once?  
  
there are… plenty of people who’ve… you know what never mind  
  
anyway i was wondering if you think it would be cool with him if you gave me his number  
  
for when i want a nerd movie night but your jockliness and her majesty the lady jock just want to watch hoosiers again  
  
I don’t even especially like Hoosiers! It was just the only DVD I had for a time when we first moved in.  
  
have you ever heard of netflix  
  
or like piracy  
  
whatever i just know if i watch chariots of fire again my aneurysm will burst  
  
It is an inspiring film!  
  
No, I don't think Felix would mind. Not more than he minds most things. Just... don't annoy him, all right? He's got a bit of a temper.  
  
sure thing boss  
  


felix 🥵  
  
hey felix! this is sylvain, dimitri's roommate  
  
i got your number from him  
  
don't be mad at him i basically forced him to give it to me  
  
anyway i told him it was so we can plan to watch gattaca and shit together but really it’s because i want your help getting dimitri and dedue to hook up  
  
we'll be like bellatrix and benedict  
  
who?  
  
i don't know, ingrid said something about them  
  
no i mean who is this?  
  
...dimitri's roommate?  
  


ingrid thee stallion  
  
💔💔💔😭😭😭💔💔💔  
  


felix 🥵  
  
i have red hair?  
  
i was kidding. i know who you are.  
  


ingrid thee stallion  
  
?????  
  
oh wait never mind we're good  
  


felix 🥵  
  
oh thank the goddess  
  
didn't peg you for a joker  
  
anyway are in on operation dimitri and dedue: together forever?  
  
okay we can workshop the name i'm not married to it  
  
unlike dimitri and dedue will eventually be  
  


ingrid thee stallion  
  
i'm fucking floundering here ingrid  
  
who is this guy  
  
I am not getting involved.  
  
nice try dorothea but fine i'll try elsewhere  
  


schemin 👹👼😈  
  
mayday mayday  
  
carly rae jr  
already???  
  
ingrid thee stallion  
I'm putting you all on do not disturb  
  
carly rae jr  
ingrid?!?  
  
it's her girlfriend ignore her  
  
annette i think i'm already bombing  
  
carly rae jr  
how?? what even happened!??  
  
i got his number from dimitri  
  
and he made a joke that he forgot who i was  
  
and now he's not responding to my recruitment  
  
maybe he doesn’t care about dimitri and dedue in which case why am i wasting my time  
  
carly rae jr  
felix made a joke???  
  
and he remembered you?!?!?  
  
🙊  
  
is that bad  
  
ingrid thee stallion  
Okay now I'm interested too.  
  
pick a side dorothea  
  
ingrid thee stallion  
I've never been good at that. 😉  
  
carly rae jr  
ahhhhhhh this is so different from ingrid i don't know if i like it!!!!!  
  
😢😭  
  
hello annette is that bad  
  
that this guy made a joke  
  
carly rae jr  
it's just really not like him  
  
idk what to make of it  
  
was it funny?  
  
nah it was hurtful  
  
carly rae jr  
well that's more normal i guess  
  


felix 🥵  
  
okay maybe that was too much for a first text i better slow my roll  
  
mmhmm  
  
OH hey!!!  
  


schemin 👹👼😈  
  
he replied omg we're all good  
  
ingrid thee stallion  
I'm scouting calligraphers for the wedding invites as we speak.  
  
carly rae jr  
wow i like you after all! i'm annette 😊  
  


felix 🥵  
  
so sorry for all that but i'm serious  
  
if you’re friends with dimitri you have to be sick of him talking your ear off about dedue and then acting like there’s nothing between them  
  
it's weird right  
  
or maybe he only does this to me because i'm doomed to exist in the valley of torment  
  
something i did in a past life  
  
do you always talk this much?  
  
yes sorry  
  
especially if i'm nervous  
  
which i am  
  
because i also cannot lose my only opportunity to have a nerd movie partner  
  
idk what i was getting into being friends with only gym rats  
  
i'm a gym rat.  
  
...  
  
😬  
  


schemin 👹👼😈  
  
dorothea keep that calligrapher on call  
  
my funeral might need programs  
  
carly rae jr  
😳  
  


felix 🥵  
  
i mean i like the gym too!  
  
duh 💪  
  
anyway let's get back on the subject at hand  
  
will you help me or nah  
  
...  
  
i really don't know why i'm saying this  
  
but yes  
  


schemin 👹👼😈  
  
🥳🥳🥳  
  
crisis averted y'all  
  
ingrid could you please take your phone back  
  
carly rae jr  
YAY OMG SYLVAIN you're amazing!!!!!  
  
it's about time somebody noticed  
  


**ANNETTE'S PHONE**

Sylvain 😊  
  
😳😊  
  
💓💖💞💗💕💘💝  
  


Felix 😊  
  
fess up.  
  
🐒  
  
what did i do?!?  
  
i'm sorry!!!!  
  
you're sorry  
  
but you don't know what you did.  
  
...  
  
❔❔  
  
dimitri's weird roommate texted me  
  
i feel like that has something to do with you somehow  
  
you're always involved  
  
sylvain is not weird!!!  
  
well okay he is... but he's nice too  
  
somewhere in there  
  
anyway what did he want?  
  
i knew you were involved  
  
what?????  
  
how does me not knowing what he wanted mean i know anything?  
  
do you not see the contradiction there?  
  
hmmph ugh stop sending me that  
  
if you ever stop being grumpy when you're wrong! 😇  
  
hmmph  
  
so?  
  
what did he want?  
  
idk.  
  
something about dedue and dimitri.  
  
he's invested in hooking them up.  
  
😍  
  
felix what did you sayyyyy 🎶🎶  
  
yes.  
  
😱😱😱😱😱  
  
idk why so don't ask.  
  
because you loveeee dimitri and want him to be happy!!!! duh!  
  
🗡  
  
😇  
  


**INGRID'S PHONE**

wh*re  
  
ingrid it's been like 48 hours please say you have your phone back  
  
ingrid  
  
ingy  
  
ing  
  
ingworm  
  
ooh that's a good one  
  


two blonds and a redhead walk into a bar  
  
wh*re  
hey dimitri  
  
check out this new nickname for ingrid i made up:  
  
ingworm  
  
1234 5678 8765 4321 CVV: 000  
🐛😊  
  
Like inchworm! I like it.  
  
i Hate you  
  
wh*re  
oh there you are  
  
bye dimitri  
  
1234 5678 8765 4321 CVV: 000  
👋  
  


wh*re  
  
fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you  
  
you love it  
  
anyway  
  
help me come up with a plan  
  
i'm thinking this week will be good to set something up for dimidue  
  
WHAT  
  
yeah that's what i'm calling them now  
  
like brangelina  
  
deal with it  
  
or did you mean this week wouldn't be good  
  
that is not what i meant  
  
okay then help me  
  
it shocks me daily that you're a grown man  
  
an adult with like... bills  
  
you pay taxes. you have a 401k.  
  
and you also do shit like this  
  
dimitri and i had SO much fun doing our taxes this year  
  
i made weed brownies  
  
...what a reward  
  
no we ate them and then we did our taxes  
  
i truly didn't ask and i don't want to know  
  
unless you have video evidence  
  
dorothea might think that would be funny  
  
i'll look around if you HELP ME COME UP WITH A PLAN  
  
my innocent, law-abiding, tax-paying roommate deserves happiness in the loving arms of the only man gigantic enough to hold him  
  
i know you're kidding but that's weirdly sweet  
  
okay sylvain i'll help you  
  
i'm only kind of kidding  
  


**DIMITRI'S PHONE**

Dedue Molinaro  
  
  
  
I saw this today on Facebook and thought of you! Hope you are having a wonderful Thursday.  
  
😊  
  
Thank you for thinking of me.  
  
Of course! How could I not?  
  


Sylvain Gautier  
  
Sukbsm  
  
wow dude it's pretty early to be blasted  
  
...  
  
okay i was kidding sorry dimitri  
  
i know it's more likely you were kidnapped and are sending me a secret message  
  
or the rice didn't take as well as we thought  
  
or literally anything else  
  


**SYLVAIN'S PHONE**

dedueeee 🥺  
  
Sylvain.  
  
what is up my dude?  
  
it's been a minute  
  
I am well, and you?  
  
👍👌  
  
things are great here  
  
i was actually going to text you today!  
  
wanna come over on saturday for the eagles match? i'll make wings  
  
Will Dimitri be there?  
  


felix 🥵  
  
ugh they're so in love dude  
  
I’m driving with Do Not Disturb While Driving turned on. I’ll see your message when I get where I’m going.  
  
(I’m not receiving notifications. If this is urgent, reply “urgent” to send a notification through with your original message.)  
  
urgent  
  
duh  
  
I’m driving with Do Not Disturb While Driving turned on. I’ll see your message when I get where I’m going.  
  
(I’m not receiving notifications. If this is urgent, reply “urgent” to send a notification through with your original message.)  
  
we're going to change the world with this plan  
  
I’m driving with Do Not Disturb While Driving turned on. I’ll see your message when I get where I’m going.  
  
(I’m not receiving notifications. If this is urgent, reply “urgent” to send a notification through with your original message.)  
  
wow you're such a safe driver  
  
I’m driving with Do Not Disturb While Driving turned on. I’ll see your message when I get where I’m going.  
  
(I’m not receiving notifications. If this is urgent, reply “urgent” to send a notification through with your original message.)  
  


**DEDUE'S PHONE**

Sylvain Gautier  
  
nah i don't think he will be  
  
sorry 🙁  
  
he always goes to the y on saturdays to swim like a nutcase  
  
but maybe he'll be around after!  
  
All right. I will bring beer.  
  
🤙  
  
what did you want to talk about originally by the way?  
  
sorry for changing the subject  
  
It was nothing important. We have resolved it by making plans.  
  
😊  
  
ugh dude 💕💕  
  
later dedue  
  
dedude  
  
has anyone ever called you that  
  


dedue: kill these clowns  
  
Sylvain Gautier  
y'all  
  
dedue=dedude  
  
Ingrid Galatea  
how many chats do i have to put on do not disturb  
  
Sylvain Gautier  
  
  
Do you just... have an image pre-made for every occasion?  
  
Sylvain Gautier  
probably not all of them  
  
Dimitri Blaiddyd  
:)  
  


**DIMITRI'S PHONE**

Sylvain Gautier  
  
oh are we back now?  
  
My apologies, I cracked my phone screen again today. It is still under warranty so I shall get it fixed after work.  
  
congrats king  
  
In any case, I am on my laptop now, so I can get across clearly what I was trying to type earlier which was: Sylvain.  
  
...yes?  
  
I think I may have been too forward with Dedue. Hence the cracked screen.  
  
  
  
Do you think he will be offended or... creeped out?  
  
no  
  
what  
  
that post is like the intersection of all things dedude  
  
the man lives in what is basically a greenhouse  
  
and is literally the best cook on earth  
  
i really think you're fine  
  
Thank you, Sylvain. I was freaking out a little. :)  
  
shocker, dimitri freaking out over dedude. back to work boss baby  
  
:(  
  
Also, please do not call me that.  
  


Felix Fraldarius  
  
🐗  
  
Hello, Felix! I'm about to head to a meeting so please excuse me if I'm inattentive.  
  
you're fine  
  
can i come over on saturday?  
  
i know it's your y day but linhardt and caspar are coming over if you know what i mean  
  


**SYLVAIN'S PHONE**

felix 🥵  
  
i tried  
  
what?!? he didn't buy it?  
  
i thought for sure he'd skip the y for you  
  
he's in a meeting  
  
i'm saying i put it out there  
  
oh whew  
  
i'm on my way to a meeting too  
  
busy guy you know  
  
anyway think about what you want to do on saturday while we're bailing on our friends  
  
do we have to do something  
  


ingrid thee stallion  
  
am i making a mistake  
  
yes  
  
that was fast  
  
you don't even know what i'm talking about  
  
doesn't matter  
  
you are  
  
🔫🤡  
  
🛡  
  


felix 🥵  
  
i mean i guess not  
  
but i gotta have a believable excuse for why i'm bailing  
  
and a witness  
  
meeting now bye we'll talk later  
  


**ASHE'S PHONE**

###-###-####  
  
i got your number from ingrid  
  
who the hell are you  
  
❓❓❓  
  


ladies' knight  
  
sorry ashe  
  
dimitri's roimnate is going a little too ham st hsppy hour  
  
You never invite me to happy hour. 😢  
  
you. are. baby.  
  
  
  
  
  
baby  
  
😫  
  


*bill hader voice* the hottest polycule in fodlan  
  
lin  
🍆  
  
cat daddy  
🤗  
  
😳  
  
i'll see if my roommate is around  
  
lin  
just come over here that guy's vibes are atrocious  
  


###-###-####  
  
You're Dimitri's roommate?  
  
I think?  
  
yes now  
  
who r u  
  
Ashe lol  
  
How did you get my number from Ingrid without knowing who I am?  
  
the mystry of ashe... contubyes  
  
Okay, I'm turning off my phone.  
  


**FELIX'S PHONE**

🐗  
  
I apologize, Felix, my phone has been acting up. It should be fixed now! Of course you can come over! I shall go to the Y on Sunday instead. Although I frankly like Linhardt and Caspar, I’m not sure why you’d want to avoid them. That’s just Felix for you. :)  
  
if you weren't doing me a favor  
  
i would stab you 🗡  
  
D:  
  


🤡  
  
he said yes  
  
woogoooooooooo  
  
frlix  
  
ur a genius  
  
oh no  
  


miss annette 🎶  
  
are you with dimitri's roommate right now?  
  
nope! i told you no scheming!!!  
  
why?  
  
felix???  
  


🧼  
  
are you with that guy sylvain right now?  
  
yepppppp  
  
🍻🍻🍻  
  
oh fuck  
  
i'm turning off my phone  
  


roommate  
  
Heading out! I’ll be back in the morning to clean up before Caspar and Linhardt get here so don’t worry about the stuff in the living room. 😊  
  
Good night!  
  


🤡  
  
thid is… the freatest plsn in hjstory  
  
dimidue eeal  
  
i had to tyoe tyat like seven tines to grt it righy  
  
we r goin ya be heroes  
  
woohoooooooooooooo  
  


**INGRID'S PHONE**

schemin 👹👼😈  
  
wh*re  
so i have a headache  
  
but otherwise good news  
  
dimitri and dedue don’t know they’re being set up for a romantic afternoon  
  
watching a soccer game and eating wings made by yours truly  
  
annie  
omg are you wearing the apron while you make them???  
  
wh*re  
annette  
  
i wear that apron every day of my life  
  
i LOVE that apron  
  
annie  
🤭🥺💗  
  
ughhhhhhhh  
  
wh*re  
uh oh  
  
somebody's hungover  
  
you can't imagine  
  
dorothea wanted to go out too  
  
i hate light  
  
i also hate sound  
  
annie  
this is so sad alexa play despacito  
  
🔫  
  
wh*re  
😂  
  


fuckdarius  
  
you  
  
good morning to you too  
  
i need advice  
  
you're getting about 30% of my usual brain power  
  
so i'll try  
  
but consider the size of the grain of salt  
  
why am i not surprised  
  
i turned on my phone to three different voicemails of you and dorothea singing something i couldn’t even understand  
  
sorry  
  
grain of salt  
  
right  
  
🍸🍸🍸🍸  
  
what's something i could do with dimitri's roommate that won't make me want to kill him  
  
...  
  


wh*re  
  
you  
  
are literally the luckiest guy in fodlan  
  
duh ingrid  
  
i've got you babe  
  
gross  
  
but yes  
  
i'm glad you appreciate it  
  
what do you feel like doing with felix today  
  
DON'T BE GROSS  
  
🦴🦴🦴  
  
what did i fucking say  
  
just kiddingggg ingworm  
  
why do you ask  
  
he's asking for advice  
  
are you lecturing him to just ask me  
  
actually he's probably scared to  
  
i may have sent some drunk texts  
  
oh goddess  
  
our plans  
  
fuck  
  
wait  
  
then why is he even considering hanging out with you  
  
that is not like felix  
  
🤷  
  
my texts weren't that bad tbh  
  
thank you happy hour me  
  
just my regular annoying but worse spelling  
  
phew  
  
still he's not the patient type  
  
or the second chances type  
  
so watch yourself  
  
it must be my natural charm  
  
i'm irresistable  
  
he must really want this for dimitri  
  
oh  
  
that too  
  
anyway i don't care what we do  
  


fuckdarius  
  
he's a pretty relaxed guy  
  
whatever is probably fine  
  


**SYLVAIN'S PHONE**

felix 🥵  
  
despite the idiocy you sent last night  
  
your point from earlier is salient  
  
oh hey felix!  
  
wait what  
  
do you want to go to the gym with me  
  
i wasn’t kidding about wanting to get out of the apartment when i made my fake plans with dimitri  
  
have i told you how fucking stupid this plan is  
  
wow someone is talkative today!  
  
gym sounds good though  
  
the y? we can take dimitri's place in the pool  
  
although i'm not doing 1000 laps or whatever he does  
  
the y is fine  
  
suhweet  
  
i'm being a housewife making wings for my roommate and his soon to be boyfriend but i'll text you when i'm done  
  
covertly of course  
  
we're like spies dude this is awesome  
  


carly rae jr  
  
hey annette!  
  
hey sylvain! 💗💗💗  
  
do you remember when you first started talking to that guy you were seeing last year  
  
claude? yeah ugh don't remind me i still miss him 😩  
  
dick was bomb huh  
  
...👀  
  
i meant i miss him as a person  
  
but you're not wrong  
  
anyway what about it?  
  
how did you feel when he would like... text you  
  
like your phone goes off and you pick it up and his name is there  
  
...huh  
  
like my stomach did a backflip i guess  
  
and you really liked that guy right  
  
um yeah hello i'm still sad that we broke up  
  
in fact i'm kinda mad that you're bringing it up! 😡  
  
fuck  
  
sorry annette  
  


ingrid thee stallion  
  
fuck  
  
what now  
  
i have a crush on felix  
  
  
  


felix 🥵  
  
how are we like spies  
  
at all  
  
i don't know dude we just are  
  
think how cool we'd look in james bond suits  
  
okay this chicken isn't gonna marinate itself  
  
see ya later  
  


ingrid thee stallion  
  
i just put him on do not disturb so i don’t like get excited when i see a notification from him  
  
ingy ingworm ms galatea you gotta help me  
  
stop texting me for now  
  
my head hurts  
  
nice try dorothea  
  
Ugh. I thought I was really believable this time.  
  


**DIMITRI'S PHONE**

Sylvain Gautier  
  
It smells amazing in here! Are you cooking? :)  
  
you know it baybee  
  
come on out and look at my cute ass in annette's apron  
  
I will momentarily. Although, you've worn it many times so I have seen your "cute ass" in it a lot.  
  
once more can't hurt right king?  
  
:)  
  
actually when you get out here i have a favor to ask you  
  
so hold on to how good it smells  
  
and for the love of the goddess please appreciate and savor how adorable i look in this apron  
  
It must be a big favor!  
  
something like that  
  


Dedue Molinaro  
  
Dedue! Sylvain asked me to reach out to you.  
  
Hello, Dimitri. Is it about the game? I am still on my way, traffic by the distributor was terrible.  
  
Please send my apologies.  
  
It is about the game today - and about an apology! He told me something came up and he has to be out of the apartment today. He looked very sad about it.  
  
Oh, that's all right.  
  
It is! Because by coincidence I will be home. And I haven’t been able to watch a match in a while. I would love it if you still came even though it will be me instead of Sylvain. :) Oh, and my friend Felix will be here too, I believe.  
  
I will miss Sylvain and his wings, but that sounds good too. 😊  
  
See you soon. I bought the IPA you like by sheer coincidence anyway.  
  
Sylvain still made wings! What a great day this is turning out to be.  
  


**FELIX'S PHONE**

🤡  
  
just bailed on dedue that shit hurted  
  
when should i meet you  
  
twenty minutes  
  
wow you are Ready huh?  
  
i can hear ashe puttering.  
  
i am not sticking around.  
  
ASHE?!?  
  


🐗  
  
change of plans sorry.  
  
i can't make it anymore.  
  
Felix! :( That's too bad. I hope you enjoy spending time with Linhardt and Caspar after all! literally never.  
  


🤡  
  
so wait  
  
do you like... live with ashe  
  
and ingrid somehow knows him too  
  
she's in trouble  
  
i can't believe i'm saying this  
  
but you might be right about dimitri.  
  
wow  
  
that's big enough to ignore you just disregarding all my previous messages  
  
and i guess we can talk about that when we get to the gym  
  
so i'll learn about ashe there  
  
why am i right let me gloat  
  
he is oblivious to the point of blindness.  
  
he needs help.  
  
leaving now. don't text me again.  
  


**ANNETTE'S PHONE**

schemin 👹👼😈  
  
Sylvain 😊  
might as well put this out to both of you at once  
  
i am getting more and more committed to this titular scheme  
  
omg i was WAITING to hear how it went!!!  
  
for all four of you!  
  
Ingrid 😊  
i'm glad we all still remember this is for dimitri and dedue  
  
Sylvain 😊  
please ingrid use their real name  
  
#dimidue  
  
😂😂  
  
gonna do recon with felix! sylvain tell us EVERYTHING  
  
ingrid you're in charge of getting the scoop from dedue so sylvain doesn't look suspicious  
  
sylvain you talk to dimitri  
  
after you tell us everything  
  
duh  
  
Ingrid 😊  
i thought this was my scheme  
  
Sylvain 😊  
no babes, it’s our scheme 💕💞💕  
  
Ingrid 😊  
you two are out of your minds  
  
Sylvain 😊  
brb writing an essay for you girls  
  


Felix 😊  
  
heyyy felix! 💕💕💕  
  
could you do me a little favor?  
  
could you tell ashe to bring the book i lent him when he comes over tonight?  
  
mercie wants to borrow it 😊  
  
ask him yourself.  
  
🥺  
  
what's wrong?  
  
that's even grumpier than usual!  
  


schemin 👹👼😈  
  
Ingrid 😊  
an ESSAY???  
  
🥳  
  
i have a good feeling about the vibe i'm getting from felix!  
  
either you ruined everything before it even started  
  
or he had a good time and he can't handle it  
  
waiting on that essay!!!  
  


Felix 😊  
  
come onnnn felix tell me what's up!  
  
🥺🥺🥺  
  
and please ask ashe he remembers better if you tell him in person!!!  
  
fine i'll ask him.  
  
and  
  
AND WHAT??? FELIX!!!!  
  
you know dimitri's roommate? sylvain?  
  
yes!  
  
what about him??  
  
i think we went on a date yesterday.  
  


schemin 👹👼😈  
  
SYLVAIN 💗💓💗💗💓💓  
  
Ingrid 😊  
you two could split off and come back when you’re ready to talk about our FRIENDS dimitri and dedue  
  


Felix 😊  
  
what??  
  
a date???  
  
spill please!!!  
  
also why would that make you grumpy?? was it bad!?!  
  
no.  
  
it was... fine.  
  
FELIX 😍🥰  
  
i wanna know everything  
  
we went to the gym.  
  
then a bar.  
  
it was this whole plan to set up dimitri and dedue.  
  
he's less annoying in person.  
  
ohhhh goddess felix!!!  
  
do you like him?!?!?!!  
  
🗡🗡🗡  
  
okay sorry no more prying  
  
ashe is bringing the book.  
  
😊😊😊  
  


**DOROTHEA'S PHONE**

Song in my Heart 🎶❤️  
  
Good morning beautiful! ❤️ I hope you have an amazing day. Happy Sunday!  
  
you are literally the only good and normal thing in my life  
  
Oh goddess does Sylvain have an update???  
  
...  
  
what  
  
babe?  
  


redhead money tinder  
  
SPILL. NOW.  
  
i’m writing an essay for the scheme group, read it on your girlfriend’s phone when i send it her way  
  
I'm not with her today, I need to know!  
  
...please?  
  
wow how much has ingrid been bugging you about this  
  
while she carefully stays out of it  
  
fine i'll send it to you too  
  
I just like being in the know. 😊  
  


**SYLVAIN'S PHONE**

felix 🥵  
  
still waiting on intel but  
  
based on how ridiculously cheerful dimitri was on his way out the door this morning  
  
i'd say yesterday was a success  
  


schemin 👹👼😈  
  
okay. so first of all the plan seems to have gone amazingly. dimitri was literally humming when he left for the gym it was sweet. ingworm you’d better bring the info from dedue he’s so difficult to pin down. ugh we really are like bellossom and beckham aren’t we?  
  
carly rae junior  
i know you're still typing but i'm already LOVING this  
  
ingrid thee stallion  
stop with ingworm  
  
and i can't even begin to address how wrong you are on those names  
  
now we wait  
  
so felix and i decided to go to the gym. he chose that on ingrid’s incredible advice i’m sure because she told me he asked her about what we should do. already a great start if you ask me, i love pulling in a third party when i wanna take something seriously. anyway, we met up there. i was looking fine as hell, as you can imagine, but boyyyyy. annette you’ll appreciate more than ingrid i guess but felix looked smokin which is hugely unfair for a dude in leggings and what looked like a GMU tshirt from like ten years ago (which btw makes no sense since he’s your age right ingy? so he would have graduated like two years ago? anyway). we probably spent like two hours working out which was kinda boring honestly except that he looks crazy strong. which is fun. i looked great too i hope. annette get some intel on that. after we worked out we were like well… the eagles game is only half over. so what now. and i figured this dude is so cranky he’s gonna be like “bye figure it out for yourself” and ditch. but he didn’t! instead he asked if i wanted to grab a drink. and i totally did of course, so we showered and went out to a bar, totally low key. and we ended up hanging out for like another two hours it was crazy. i’m sure i was talking too much but like… i think we both had a good time. he even smiled a couple times. i definitely smiled. and then we said bye and i was on the train home and i was like… was that a date? why do i feel all warm inside like i dumped a bowl of soup in my chest?  
  
carly rae junior  
😍🥰🥰😍🥰🥰🥰😘😍😍🥰  
  
wowwwwwwwww sylvain!!!!!  
  
i'll definitely ask about whether you looked hot but i'm sure you did!!  
  
ingrid thee stallion  
😊😊  
  
also if you think i'm reading all that you're out of your mind  
  


ingrid thee stallion  
  
hmm  
  
this sounds like feelings  
  
nah it's not  
  
definitely not  
  
right?  
  
  
  
crush =/= feelings ingy  
  
right?  
  


**FELIX'S PHONE**

miss annette 🎶  
  
not asking for scheming reasons 😇  
  
of course 😇  
  
but did you have an opinion of how sylvain looked at the gym??  
  
😇😇😇😇😇  
  
did he say anything about it to you?  
  
or anything about me?  
  
FELIX!!!!!  
  
do you care????  
  
wow!!!!!  
  
i just want to know  
  
he said you looked "smokin" 💨  
  
and he had a good time  
  
okay  
  


🤡  
  
you know annette is my friend too  
  
how could she not be  
  
she's amazing  
  
wait  
  
what did she tell you  
  
felix?  
  


miss annette 🎶  
  
OKAY ❗️❗️❗️  
  
how did he look come onnnn  
  
🗡🗡🗡  
  
okay!!! okay sorry  
  


🤡  
  
well i'll be filled with anxiety the rest of the day  
  
but in any case  
  
i already have my next #dimidue idea  
  
still need your help though  
  
you looked hot.  
  
what?!?  
  
yesterday. at the gym.  
  
😳  
  


**INGRID'S PHONE**

Dorothea  
  
are you sure i can't get involved It's up to you, my angel. ❤️❤️❤️  
  
what?  
  
that was easy  
  
are you talking to sylvain about it already  
  
...no?  
  
like in general not right this second  
  
...yes.  
  
i knew it  
  
you're predictable  
  
😀🌹  
  
okay then i am not gonna hide my involvement anymore  
  
i think there are feelings at work  
  
Well, that changes things. They need you for those.  
  
mmhmm  
  
goddess help me  
  


Dedude  
  
hi dedue! who won yesterday?  
  
Hello Ingrid! The Eagles won, fortunately. Seiros is not very good this season.  
  
woohoo! and you got some of sylvain’s wings out of it right? he told me you were going over to watch with him  
  
lucky you  
  
He would almost surely invite you if you didn't yell at the TV so loudly.  
  
i can't help it, i'm a real fan  
  
plus he must have yelled too right? seiros is by far his least favorite team  
  
He was not there, actually. There was a timing mix-up so Dimitri and I watched the match instead.  
  
oooh really? how was that?  
  
It was nice. 🙂 I had a good time. I believe Dimitri did too.  
  
i’m sure he did 😊😊😊 you should tell him you had a good time!  
  
maybe then it will happen again 😉  
  
Maybe I will. Thank you, Ingrid. 🙂  
  


schemin 👹👼😈  
  
DEDUE HAD A GOOD TIME  
  
sylvain you call dimitri right now  
  
annie  
felix had a good time too!  
  
three out of four!!!  
  
wh*re  
annette i am never telling you anything ever again  
  
annie  
🙊  
  
felix is such a villain 😫  
  
wh*re  
you're lucky you're literally the only good person left on planet earth  
  
🔫👱🏻  
  
wh*re  
on of the two  
  
i’ll update you all when dimitri is back from the gym  
  
but again he was humming when he left  
  
it speaks for itself  
  


**SYLVAIN'S PHONE**

felix 🥵  
  
so  
  
i'm guessing annette already told you what i thought  
  
wait until you see me in the apron she gave me  
  
what's your idea?  
  
what?  
  
oh right #dimidue  
  
sorry i was just distracted by you saying something nice to me  
  
i'm guessing i shouldn't get used to it huh  
  
anyway ingrid's girlfriend is co-directing this like community theater opera thing and i was thinking  
  
we should each invite one of them to go to it but then there will be a mix up 😉 at the ticket office and their tickets will be in a completely different part of the theater from ours  
  
and the usually very flexible theater will definitely need us to sit in our specific seats so they’ll be on their own  
  
and this benefits me too because i cannot go to this shit with ingrid she has no appreciation for high art  
  
i agree.  
  
you agree? man of culture?  
  
i don't dislike the opera.  
  
high praise  
  
okay so does this plan sound okay?  
  
sure.  
  
better than the first one actually.  
  
i'm a tactical genius  
  
okay cool. the production is next weekend. i think we’re all already casually planning on going since, ya know, ingrid will kill us if we don’t  
  
despite the fact that we can't tell an opera from a musical  
  
😒  
  
she's lucky she has other good qualities  
  
right? and such generous friends  
  
hit you up later with more details. i’m guessing you’ll handle dimitri? or want me to try this time?  
  
actually i could invite both of them if you want  
  
it might make sense that way. but then i’d have to invite ingrid  
  
then why would i be there?  
  
...coincidence? idk  
  
and you just said you liked the opera  
  
or didn't hate it  
  
same thing with you it seems like  
  
okay time to call my roommate and ask about his date byeeee

**OUTGOING CALL**  
**D:** Hello Sylvain!  
**S:** Hey Dimitri, how were your one hundred million laps?  
**D:** You know I don’t do that many!  
**S:** Okay, how were your one million laps?  
**D:** You are ridiculous.  
**S:** Right? Anyway, I was hoping I’d catch you before you left the Y. Did I?  
**D:** I am passing through the front door as we speak! Can I do something for you?  
**S:** You’re actually doing something for you, king. I wanna make you dinner tonight as thanks for taking my slot with Dedue yesterday!  
**D:** Ah. No thanks needed! Although, I wanted to ask you — what was so important? I don’t think Dedue was upset but it was a bit rude of you.  
**S:** I know, dude, it was a huge bummer that I had to miss it. I’m really glad you were gonna be around anyway. How did it go?  
**D:** Are you… changing the subject?  
**S:** Not really, right? Come on, Dimitri, spill.  
**D:** Well, I suppose it can’t hurt. In fact… I had a good time. I think we both did! We watched the Eagles match, which Seiros unfortunately lost.  
**S:** I heard from Ingrid, lame, dude.  
**D:** They are terrible this season. But it was nice watching with Dedue. He is such a joy to be around.  
**S:** Dude do you hear yourself? Do you think that’s what I tell people about being around you?  
**D:** I… I don’t know what you mean.  
**S:** Ugh, Felix was right.  
**D:** Felix? About what?  
**S:** Huh? Are you in the station? You’re breaking up.  
**D:** I am, yes. I can hear you just fine though.  
**S:** Oh, whew, better now. Okay, so then what? After the match?  
**D:** We just got talking for a bit. Dedue brought that IPA I like so we had some of that. He drove though so not much.  
**S:** You didn’t invite him to crash?  
**D:** …no, of course not.  
**S:** You know I wouldn’t mind. Or if I did you could just tell me he was staying and I’d find somewhere else to go for the night.  
**D:** Your behavior in that realm makes me anxious, Sylvain. I don’t want to encourage it.  
**S:** I meant like staying with Ingrid or Annette or something, chill out. So you and Dedue just talked and then said goodbye or whatever?  
**D:** Yes, that’s all. What else would we have done?  
**S:** Dimitri?  
**D:** Yes, Sylvain? I’m about to get the train so I apologize if we’re cut off.  
**S:** Okay. One, pick up ingredients for whatever you want for dinner and I’ll make it tonight. And two: when this is all over, I want you to remember this conversation and how obtuse you’re being. And how much I must love you to keep this train rolling.  
**D:** When what is all over? Sylvain? Oh, my train is here, I have to go! Talk later.

**INGRID'S PHONE**

Dorothea  
  
Has he gotten back to you?  
  
babe. light of my life.  
  
no  
  
Okay, sorry for bothering you!  
  
How about now?  
  
dorothea  
  
i checked the time stamps  
  
it has been seven minutes  
  
no he has not  
  
🥺 Sylvain did such a good breakdown of how it went with Felix! What a disappointment.  
  
that's sylvain for you  
  


schemin 👹👼😈  
  
wh*re  
four for four baybeeee  
  
oh thank the goddess  
  
dorothea has been texting me non-stop  
  
annie  
YAYYYYY!!! 💕💞💕  
  
any details?  
  
wh*re  
just this:  
  
i think dimitri has one singular brain cell  
  
and he uses it to count laps at the y  
  
nothing else  
  
ugh classic  
  
we'll help him understand eventually  
  
annie  
it’s so sad how out of touch with his feelings dimitri is 🙁  
  
don't you guys think dedue could help him out with that?  
  
wh*re  
totally. they're perfect for each other.  
  
every day i wake up thankful to live with dimitri  
  
he's such a good guy  
  
i’ll be really heartbroken when i have to move out because the sound of their tender love making really hammers home how lonely i am  
  
on the goddess  
  
if you don't shut the fuck up  
  
wh*re  
annette will you take me in?  
  
annie  
i wish i could mute just one person in a group chat 😇  
  
i was gonna just text you at the start of all this  
  
but someone said he would go scorched earth if he was left out  
  
wh*re  
wonder who that was  
  
probably a guy who has a reallyyyy good idea for our next step  
  
annie  
it had better be amazing!!!!  
  
wh*re  
oh it is  
  
brb gotta talk to dorothea  
  
WHAT  
  


**DOROTHEA'S PHONE**

Song in my Heart 🎶❤️  
  
babe  
  
sylvain is about to ask you something  
  
if you love me you'll give me a hard time about it before you help him  
  
I love you. ❤️❤️  
  
And I love giving men a hard time.  
  
you're my angel  
  


redhead money tinder  
  
heyyyy dorothea  
  
did you enjoy my write up?  
  
okay you know ingrid hates when other people turn their read receipts on  
  
are you mad at me?  
  
...  
  
okay so you won’t want to hear about how happy dimitri and dedue are and how felix and i are going to help them realize that they’re in love  
  
and how you're going to be the light of the next step of the plan  
  
the lynchpin, the irreplaceable star player  
  
okay i can see you reading these come on dorothea  
  
**Read** 12:37 PM

Ferdie EW  
  
Dorothea, could you pick up some tea on your way to rehearsal tonight? You have such exquisite taste, I know I can trust you.  
  
Has the goddess looked on me with pity and blessed me with two annoying redheaded men to bully at the same time?  
  
What am I, your secretary?  
  
🙁  
  
I am sorry, Dorothea. You are right. In fact to make up for it I shall bring some for you tonight instead.  
  
Ugh, Ferdie, do you have to be such a good person?  
  
Fine. I’ll bring you your tea. But I’ll take point at rehearsal tonight. No backseat direction.  
  
You know, we are co-directing. It could be better if we work together.  
  
Don’t push your luck or I’ll ask them to sugar your tea and your rat husband won’t kiss you when you get home.  
  
😧🥺  
  
He is not a rat!  
  
🐀  
  


redhead money tinder  
  
fine maybe i’ll ask that guy you work with who’s married to fodlan’s only adult goth  
  
OKAY. What do you want Sylvain.  
  
i figured making fun of that dude would get me on your good side  
  
Self-recognition through the other.  
  
yeah sure  
  
i need you to help me arrange a ticketing mix-up at your opera  
  
which i'm soooo excited to see btw  
  
Really?  
  
for sure. i'm a man of excellent taste despite my shitty habits  
  
Color me surprised. What were you thinking?  
  
i need there to be a glitch that puts dimitri and dedue next to each other in one section of the venue  
  
and felix and i as far away as possible  
  
maybe not far enough that we can't see each other at intermission  
  
but far enough to wonder if it's worth it  
  
do you think you can do that?  
  
psh who am i kidding i know you can do that  
  
dorothea i can see you reading these  
  
Shit.  
  


Song in my Heart 🎶❤️  
  
He made fun of Ferdie, my love. Forgive me, but I can't resist.  
  
Also you know I'm a shit-stirrer to the core.  
  
yeah true  
  
i give you my blessing to help my idiot friend help our idiot friends find love  
  
😚  
  
I love when you send me emojis. 🥰❤️  
  


redhead money tinder  
  
Fine, Sylvain. I’ll help you out. But based on what Ingrid has told me I’m guessing Felix isn’t going to be interested in sitting with you, even for the sake of your ridiculous plan.  
  
well aren't you in for a surprise  
  
he already said yes!  
  
i'm charming as hell in person, you know this  
  
Maybe when you're not hollering Arctic Monkeys at karaoke night.  
  
hey i'm sensitive about that don't tease me  
  
Whatever. I’ll put the work in tonight at rehearsal with the box office.  
  
you're an angel. give ingworm a kiss for me, the gross wet kind she hates  
  
Do NOT push it.  
  


**SYLVAIN'S PHONE**

felix 🥵  
  
she's gonna do it  
  
dorothea  
  
she's gonna help me out with the tickets  
  
okay?  
  
if you knew her better and knew me better and knew her and i as a set better you’d know this is a big deal  
  
okay.  
  
see you at the operaaaa  
  
i'll figure out inviting dimitri and dedue  
  
i'm such a giver  
  


schemin 👹👼😈  
  
should we just agree to go as a group  
  
i feel like it's less suspicious than me asking dimitri and dedue  
  
carly rae junior  
but then it gets harder to figure out what happens when you get there! 😔  
  
ingrid thee stallion  
i cannot believe how fast dorothea caved  
  
i really thought she was the one  
  
ingworm if you break up with her you're never forgiven  
  
she rules  
  
carly rae junior  
i like her too! 😊  
  
anyways sylvain why don’t you just invite dimitri and tell him to bring dedue?  
  
kinda feels like he’d be open to it now huh? 😉  
  
you might be right annette  
  
you two are geniuses  
  
ingrid thee stallion  
you literally could not have done this without us  
  


dime piece 👑  
  
heyyyy dimitri  
  
you're going to dorothea's opera opening night right?  
  
Of course! Ingrid would surely kill me if I did not. Why do you ask?  
  
i was thinking it might be easier if we go together so we can buy tickets all at once  
  
and hey  
  
if you're feeling brave  
  
you could ask dedue to join us 😉  
  
Sylvain... I don’t know. I did enjoy spending time with him last week, but… I do not want to push my luck.  
  
dude it's fine. i'll be there  
  


ingrid thee stallion  
  
is the worst part of this lying to dimitri or bailing on dedue?  
  
goddess the things i do for beatrice and ol eggs benedick  
  
seeing you get the names right is kinda making me tear up  
  
even though that's you and felix, dumbass  
  
😢  
  


dime piece 👑  
  
Well, you are quite adept in these situations. Is the opera romantic at all?  
  
why, hoping it will inspire someone? 😉😜  
  
Do not tease me, Sylvain. :( Actually, where are you right now? Spending some time with you would make me feel much better, to be honest. You are always relaxing and I have had a tough day. Perhaps you could coach me on asking Dedue!  
  
ugh king you’re making my heart swell ❤️  
  
imma keep it real with you chief i was looking for an excuse to put this project down for the night so here i come  
  
and i’ll bring all the vindaloo you can eat. the kind that makes me cry. for you, roommate to ruin all other roommates  
  
You are a good friend, Sylvain. :)  
  
you have no idea  
  


brown hair tinder  
  
The deed is done. Dimitri and Dedue have the good seats, you and your angry little prey are in the nosebleeds.  
  
😇 <\-- that's you  
  
And don't you forget it.  
  


**FELIX'S PHONE**

🤡  
  
hey i guess i could ask you this in person  
  
but do you want to get a drink after the opera?  
  
like after we spend 45 minutes with everyone congratulating dorothea and trying to avoid ferdinand’s weird ratty husband  
  
who the fuck is ferdinand?  
  
goddess you are antisocial  
  
good luck not getting all tangled up in this nonsense the more time you spend with me  
  
assuming you'll get that drink with me i guess lol oops  
  
bold move.  
  
but yes.  
  
😳🥳  
  
i'll take you to a better bar this time i promise  
  


miss annette 🎶  
  
what happens if i don't completely hate dimitri's roommate anymore?  
  
FELIX  
  
FELIX DON'T SEND THAT AND THEN TURN OFF YOUR PHONE  
  
😡😠🤬😠  
  


🧼  
  
what happens if i don't completely hate dimitri's roommate anymore?  
  
what the fuck  
  
what the FUCK  
  


roommate  
  
what happens if i don't completely hate dimitri's roommate anymore?  
  
Felix?  
  
Is everything okay?  
  
I can hear you in there, please just come out!  
  
Okay, just come to the other side of the door, you don’t have to come out.  
  


**INGRID'S PHONE**

annie  
  
did you get the text i just got  
  
from felix??? yes!!!! 😫😖😭  
  
he won't answer me!!!  
  
me neither  
  
ugh  
  
do we need a sub-scheme to help him out  
  
i can't believe i'm saying this 🙈  
  
but i think sylvain can handle it  
  
he actually has been doing well so far  
  
our son is growing up  
  
felix is gonna be a tough nut to crack though  
  


ashe-n demon  
  
Ingrid, what's going on with Felix?  
  
you know what ashe  
  
you truly do not want to know  
  
I feel like I should know, actually. He and I just had one of those “through the door” talks.  
  
oh goddess  
  
it's serious then huh  
  
Yes. 😣 But maybe it’s a good thing if this Sylvain guy likes him at all?  
  
so... you don't know sylvain at all but i'll say this  
  
it has been a hot second since he put this much effort into anything in his love life  
  
he's usually the hit it and quit it type  
  
plus dimitri told me felix likes lord of the rings and sylvain could never let that go  
  
I’m just worried about him, you know? Remember the post-Leonie period?  
  
yeah but he caught feelings for her and she didn't  
  
this seems? different?  
  
He just gets so serious. I hope Sylvain is a good guy. Felix doesn’t deserve any more heartbreak.  
  
actually in the karmic balance of things i would say that is exactly what felix deserves  
  
😠  
  
ugh you're right baby 👶  
  
😡  
  
i know i know  
  
i'll keep an eye on things  
  
...  
  
did you learn anything interesting from your talk  
  
like maybe anything i could pass on or drop hints about  
  
Just that… I don’t know if Felix knows how much he’s feeling. You know how he is.  
  
there’s something funny about us trying to save felix from a terrible and emotionally damaging hookup with sylvain  
  
when this circus started and the clowns came pouring in  
  
i was trying to save dimitri from a terrible and emotionally damaging hookup with felix  
  
why is everyone in this friend group so weird  
  
Wait, Dimitri is involved in all this?  
  
not in that way lol  
  
you're the only one brave enough for a polycule  
  
braver than a fodlan marine  
  
😳🤭😬  
  
I can't imagine Dimitri or Felix with more than one person at a time honestly.  
  
if anyone could do it it's sylvain  
  
i promise to invite you to happy hour next time so you know what i’m talking about  
  
you know what fuck it come out tomorrow  
  
A Wednesday night?  
  
come on, you're baby not an old man  
  
do it  
  
you always wanna come  
  
and it’s karaoke which means sylvain Yelling do i wanna know  
  
...fine.  
  
yessss i'll make sure sylvain is there  
  
no so's allowed  
  
not even dorothea  
  
Generous. 🙄  
  
Hey, I have an idea. Why don't I invite Felix?  
  
He’ll probably say no, but I might as well try to help. I think he actually likes Sylvain. He just has to get that. 😅  
  
i'm a genius  
  
Huh?  
  


schemin 2: electric boogaloo  
  
i know we said we didn’t need it but the name came to me like a bolt of lightning  
  
annie  
AHHHH  
  
i love all this scheming!!!!! 💗💓💝💘💖💞💕  
  
ashe-n demon  
Annette! Thank the goddess you're involved.  
  
annie  
i would NEVER be left out of something involving felix’s love life you KNOW this  
  
ashe-n demon  
😊  
  
you two are both fucking baby  
  
i love you both  
  


**SYLVAIN'S PHONE**

the mystery of ashe  
  
So, wow, Ingrid was right. You really do holler.  
  
i am not kidding ashe  
  
i hope the goddess strikes me the fuck down after last night  
  
i can never show my face again  
  
you though? you're a delight. glad we met  
  
sorry it's hopefully so soon before my death though  
  
Hmm… I think there was at least one person in that bar who was charmed with your performance. 😉😇  
  
Just a guess based on the train home.  
  
😳😳  
  
i'll ask but you know he's never gonna tell me anything  
  
so after i fail there i'm hoping you'll share  
  
😇😇😇  
  
I did like it when you called me a delight.  
  


felix 🥵  
  
so  
  
did you block my number  
  
okay, read receipts so i'm not blocked!  
  
no.  
  
ingrid maybe.  
  
she blocks me once a week at least  
  
let her at it  
  
your enthusiasm was a little scary.  
  
what can i say baby i was born to cover kings of leon badly and loud in a dark ass bar  
  
i'm guessing my dance moves did not impress you though  
  
nothing about your performance impressed me.  
  
🥺  
  
really?  
  


**FELIX'S PHONE**

roommate  
  
what the FUCK is with this guy?  
  
am i catching fucking FEELINGS?  
  
he sent me a sad emoji and now i feel... like something... sad is happening  
  
Felix, I think you’re learning empathy. What powers does this guy have?  
  
Did you block me again? 😞  
  


🤡  
  
that doesn't mean it was bad.  
  
...  
  
i liked it  
  
you WHAT???!?  
  
i'm printing that out and framing it  
  
next time you'll get up there with me right?  
  
next time?  
  
well yeah. i'm inviting you right now  
  
standing invite if you want it  
  
oh, unless you don't wanna go  
  
i'm a dumbass sorry felix  
  


roommate  
  
ASHE.  
  
😬💗  
  
cut out whatever part of my brain is doing this.  
  
i give you permission.  
  
No, Felix! You can do it!!!  
  
i just.  
  
👂  
  
i don't want to mess it up. and i always do.  
  


🤡  
  
that's not it.  
  
i just didn't think you'd all want me along again.  
  
dude we need you  
  
i want you along every time so you can tell me you like my performances  
  
having you there made me try harder  
  


**SYLVAIN'S PHONE**

ingrid thee stallion  
  
i am fucked  
  
i'm fucked i'm fucked i'm fucked  
  
  
  
  
  
😒  
  
i'm sending you stupid shit because i don't know how to act  
  
damn it dorothea put ingrid back  
  
shouldn't you be like freaking out about your opera  
  
You people don't appreciate me.  
  
But yes.  
  


felix 🥵  
  
well if that's not your ceiling then i am really looking forward to next week  
  
it's a date  
  
if you want i mean  
  
like if that's cool  
  
wow am i 12 i'm being really lame  
  
yes.  
  
😥  
  
to all the above.  
  
😅  
  
see you saturday for the opera 👋  
  
you're gonna get sick of me  
  


ingrid thee stallion  
  
he's gonna get sick of me  
  
i'm sick of you but i'm still around  
  
because i'm loaded and i buy you food  
  
😀  
  


**DIMITRI'S PHONE**

Dedue Molinaro  
  
Dedue! I am looking forward to the opera tomorrow. :)  
  
Hello Dimitri! I am excited as well. I have not met Ingrid’s girlfriend yet.   
  
She is very nice! Unless you have ever thrown up red sauce and tequila.  
  
😕  
  
Long story. One of many parties I wished you were at to keep me from doing something stupid.  
  
You will have to invite me to go to more with you. 😊  
  
I would like that. :) All right, I will leave you be — just wanted to let you know! Please enjoy your Thursday!  
  
You as well, Dimitri.  
  


Sylvain Gautier  
  
Your coaching made me far less nervous to text Dedue than I usually am. Thank you. :)  
  
not kidding dude anything for you  
  
i know you don’t wanna hear this but i think you should make a move at the opera tomorrow 💪  
  
I... would like to, but I am nervous. :(  
  
you know you could have a lot more flexibility in your expressions if you used emojis  
  
i've offered to help you get the keyboard a milion times  
  
but anyway  
  
you and dedue have been close forever  
  
and you definitely like him and i'm sure he likes you  
  
i think you should go for it king  
  
We shall see. Perhaps having you by my side shall give me courage!  
  
totally  
  


**SYLVAIN'S PHONE**

dedue: kill these clowns  
  
hey guys are we all here?  
  
ingrid in her extremely fancy and special girlfriend seat  
  
ingrid thee stallion  
i have literally been here since the crack of dawn  
  
please one of you hit me with something heavy  
  
dime piece 👑  
I am here! But you already knew that. :)  
  
dedueeee 🥺  
I am here as well.  
  
perfecttttt  
  


felix 🥵  
  
okay here we go  
  
are you already sitting down?  
  
?  
  
because you'll need to be  
  
when you see how completely devastating i look 😜  
  
🗡  
  


dime piece 👑  
  
I am already missing you. :( I am sorry about the mix-up with the tickets.  
  
ugh i miss you too king  
  
but hey  
  
put your phone away and get it poppin with dedue  
  
you got this 😙  
  


dedueeee 🥺  
  
hey dedue  
  
good luck  
  
😊  
  
Enjoy the performance, Sylvain.  
  


**FELIX'S PHONE**

roommate  
  
sorry you have to hear this  
  
but my therapist tells me not to bottle up.  
  
What is it? Everything all right?  
  
i want to climb this guy like a tree  
  
😳🤯  
  
He is hot. Is he all dressed up for that opera?  
  
...maybe.  
  
he's drinking a gin and tonic.  
  
i feel like nick carraway looking at gatsby here.  
  
You could always try doing what Caspar, Linhardt and I like to do during intermissions. 😇  
  
i am turning off my phone.  
  
🙁😉  
  


miss annette 🎶  
  
felix! how's it going?  
  
😏😏  
  
are you two holding hands??? 🙊 🙊  
  
is he looking at you with big puppy eyes during the romantic songs??? 😍😍  
  
did he wear the sweater i recommended???  
  
okay touch base later then!!!  
  


**INGRID'S PHONE**

1234 5678 8765 4321 CVV: 000  
  
Ingrid, I hate to involve you but I cannot seem to find Sylvain.  
  
everything okay?  
  
where are you  
  
Right now I am in the men’s bathroom but I would like to leave. I can hear two people hooking up quite loudly in the coat room next door. :(  
  
oh my fucking goddess  
  
meet me in the entryway  
  
wait where's dedue  
  
In his seat still. I told him I was getting a drink. I see you!  
  


wh*re  
  
on the goddess  
  
if you are hooking up with felix in the coat room right now and emotionally torturing dimitri with it  
  
i will end you  
  
answer me or suffer the consequences  
  
🥴  
  
you are FUCKED  
  
later on if i'm lucky 😉  
  


**SYLVAIN'S PHONE**

dime piece 👑  
  
hey how's it going down there?  
  
i looked for you at intermission but i couldn't find you  
  
I talked with Ingrid. I think everything is okay. I was panicking a little but everything is okay.  
  
panicking???  
  
why?!?  
  
Dedue makes me nervous. :/ I was sure I was messing something up. Ingrid helped.  
  
so are you gonna make your move???  
  
you got this!!!  
  
I... I will try. I did buy him a drink.  
  
🍻  
  
love ya king  
  
Love you too, Sylvain. :)  
  


felix 🥵  
  
i'm still in line but i want this on the record  
  
ingrid is going to wring my neck so i have to say it now  
  
wow  
  
you are so good at making out  
  


**ASHE'S PHONE**

felix clowndarius  
  
go to caspar and linhardt's tonight.  
  
Um, okay? I'll have to see if they mind but I'll try!  
  
why would they mind.  
  
literally who would mind having you over.  
  
😊  
  
Wait, why do I have to go over there?  
  
FELIX?!?  
  


schemin 2: electric boogaloo  
  
I think the Felix and Sylvain part of your scheming stuff is going really well. 😇  
  
A Net  
😍🥰😍💘💘💖  
  
ladies' knight  
yeah for the sake of my sanity i’m gonna need a dimidue update  
  
A Net  
DIMIDUE 💗💗💗  
  
ladies' knight  
it is easier to type  
  


**SYLVAIN'S PHONE**

felix 🥵  
  
i mean like really good  
  
like if this wasn't ingrid's girlfriend's thing i'd say let's bounce  
  
i figured this would be easier not looking at you anyway.  
  
😟❓  
  
come over after the opera.  
  
really? ashe would be cool with that?  
  
i asked him to go to his boyfriends'.  
  
and either way i’m not sleeping with you anywhere i know i could run into dimitri  
  
so you wanna sleep with me? 😜  
  
you are an idiot.  
  


schemin 👹👼😈  
  
i'm risking my life having my phone out like this  
  
but thought y’all should know i can see #dimidue from where i’m sitting since i’m so fucking high up, thank you dorothea when you read this  
  
and they're HOLDING HANDS  
  
carly rae junior  
EEEEEEEE 💗💘💖💖💗💘💘  
  
sylvain nemesis himself didn't accomplish as much as you!!!!  
  
including making felix somehow like you which is amazing!!!  
  
ingrid i know your phone is off because you're a sai  
  
felix is making me put my phone away  
  
carly rae junior  
😍🥰😍😍🥰😍😍🥰  
  


dime piece 👑  
  
hey real quick meet me in the bathroom  
  
Okay! I hope whoever was in the coat closet earlier is not there anymore.  
  
yeah they're not  
  


schemin 👹👼😈  
  
ladies  
  
mission accomplished  
  
dimitri asked dedue out on an ACTUAL date  
  
ingrid thee stallion  
annette, i wish you had been there, they were smiling so big  
  
my heart like the grinch's grew three sizes  
  
carly rae junior  
OMG 💗💗💕💘  
  
you two are amazing!!!  
  
all right i'm off to smash bye ladies  
  


ingrid thee stallion  
  
have fun be safe be cool to each other  
  
you got it dude  
  
love you ingworm  
  
love you too  
  
both of you  
  
all of you  
  
💙  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! :) the deep lore is that the felix pointing picture in this universe is from a time where felix did karaoke crimes. probably it was a my chemical romance song. also brangelina in fodlan what will they do?


End file.
